by Georgia Fox
A NOTE TO FUTURE-MARK:
Do not try to downgrade this review! I know how you think, so don't try any of your little rationalizing excuses or tricks. You know this novella was enjoyable so don't front and don't try to rewrite history. You liked this. Don't try to pretend otherwise.
I'm watching you,
this is the 5th of 5 erotic e-novellas that i enjoyed reading a couple weeks ago while stuck in sweltering DC. of the five, this was the most professionally written. it was witty, the dialogue was often funny, i liked the coughhistoricalcough setting, the narrative flowed smoothly, and the non-sex scenes were not filler - they were enjoyable to read and i did not rush through them to get to the next bit of sex. overall it perfectly accomplished its admittedly minor goals. really, there is nothing i can complain about The Virgin Proxy. ok, so let's talk about my dick.
wait, maybe a synopsis first. the place: Merrie Olde Englande. the time: i dunno, whenever those Normans took down the Saxons. when was that? the plot: Deorwynn is a Saxon and an independent, free-thinking and very pleasingly cheeky young miss who is stuck in a convent. Virgin Proxy opens up with her getting some mild punishment for some typical high-spirited tomfoolery (in this case, publicly baring her derriere). the plot kicks in when some sappy twit asks Deorwynn to accompany her on a trip to marry Studly Young Alpha Male slash Grouchy Norman conquerer Guy Devaux. the plan: substitute Deorwynn as the sappy twit's "Virgin Proxy" on the wedding night, because the sappy twit is no virgin. spoiler, we soon find out that she actually isn't that much of a sappy twit. how will this substitution be accomplished? apparently through the use of a bunch of veils. ok it is clear that a brain trust did not come up with this plan. but a plan is a plan and an erotic novella needs some kind of plan to kick-start all the sexy shenanigans. now Guy Devaux is no genius, but he soon realizes that some sort of sexy subterfuge is afoot. he's a formerly blue-collar mercenary raised in rank, and his background as a notorious ladykiller means that this pussyhound is not going to be fooled so easily. despite all this, he somehow finds himself - SURPRISE! - falling in love with this adventurous Saxon with a sassy mouth and a rockin' bod. she challenges him in all the right ways. say it ain't so! well, it is so.
do you get uncomfortable when people talk about what turns them on and what turns them off? i sorta do. in my 20s this was a common enough topic amongst my friends. well i'm not in my 20s now and my friends are more likely to talk about the cool circular saw they just bought or how it's tough to be a boss or when they plan on having a second kid. when my folks or my sister or my colleagues talk about their sexual interests, i often get a little creeped out, tune out, and go to my happy place until they're finished whining and/or salivating all over themselves. i should probably feel just as uncomfortable here on Goodreads, right? it is a public place. i have real life friends as Goodreads friends. and my sister has actually spyed on me from time to time and used Goodreads as a good place to find me ideal gifts. my God, the mother of the girl whose wedding i officiated this summer is one of my Goodreads friends (hi, Nancy!). so yeah, i should probably feel uncomfortable talking about my sexual predilections in such a public forum, and i should definitely feel uncomfortable talking about The Virgin Proxy's sex scenes in any great detail.
so anyway, here are my dick's responses to each of the novella's sex scenes, using a 1-5 Boner Scale.
(number of boners does not imply multiple boners achieved, but rather the strength of the boner in question)
⇧⇧⇧⇧ 4 Boners for Scene One. this one is all about not having sex. a girl taking a bath. a guy watching her take a bath. a girl taking care of herself while taking that bath. a guy taking care of himself while watching that girl take care of herself while taking that bath. a guy getting all worked up and a pervy meet-cute when he can't help but forcefully introduce himself and she can't help but appreciate the introduction. there's no real sex here, no pounding or anything like that, just some really heavy breathing and the adroit use of fingers and tongue. the girl's still a virgin at this point, so there's not much that can happen. and yet this was a great scene. i imagined myself as the dude, and that was hot. i imagined myself as the chick, and that was sorta hot too.
⇧⇧⇧ 3 Boners for Scene Two. this is the Wedding Night, and it is a pretty long scene. a lot gets accomplished. no anal, but that's great because people should really save some things for later. i liked this scene; it got the job done. it had a slight nonconsensual feel to it, mainly because Guy is one of those apparently adorable caveman types that the ladies gush over - but i want to emphasize slight. this story is NOT rapey. Guy may be a rather immature bully at times, but Deorwynn clearly likes to get off, and she likes to get off with Guy. she likes to enjoy herself. and i enjoy that about her!
a lot of saucy dialogue and a lot of angsty stuff from both parties. some amusing banter along the lines of
Guy Devaux: "I own you, serf!"
Deorwynn: "No you don't, no one owns me, Alpha-Asshole!"
Guy Devaux: "Oh you feisty thing you, you'll see who's the boss!"
Deorwynn: "I already know who the boss is and her name is Deorwynn!"
⇧⇧⇧⇧ 4 Boners for Scene Three. this was mainly a lot of sexy banter on a couch, lots of candles everywhere, with Guy all naked already and Deorwynn slowly stripping, and then both of them getting off in front of each other. oh, and Guy's bro Thierry is standing hidden in the corner, strokin it. these friends believe in sharing everything. i wish i had friends like that! anyway, i responded well to this scene and maybe it was because there was no graphic pounding. it was explicitly sexual, but it was not straight-up sex. cool.
⇧⇧ 2 Boners for Scene Four. Thierry and the not-really-a-sappy-twit get it on while Guy and Deorwynn are watching from behind a screen or something. then Guy and Deorwynn get it on because they are all worked up. i think that's pretty reasonable. there's some 69-ing that was acrobatic and that was sorta hard for me to picture. overall this wasn't bad, but nothing i'd add to my spank bank.
okay so by this point, no one is fooling no one and both parties agree that they are - SHOCKER - madly in lurve and they wanna get married. good job kids, the best relationships always start off with honesty. i approve!
⇧⇧⇧ 3 Boners for Scene Five. some al fresco sex up against a tree, etc. so this scene must be what the cover image is for, since Thierry gets involved. this happens (1) as some kind of test for Deorwynn and Guy that was really hard for me to wrap my mind around and (2) because Guy and Thierry are best buds and they really, really believe in sharing. except Thierry has to do some al fresco ejaculating because as far as that goes, Deorwynn's interior is Husband Only. Deorwynn has no problem with any of this and has a good time. Thierry has a good time. Guy has a good time. and there's no boring drama that comes out of it. i like how these people think!
at one point Guy tries to be all I Am The Dominant One and forbids Deorwynn from coming with Thierry. to which Deorwynn responds: "I'll come when I like and as often as I like. With or without you..." while keeping up the pace on Thierry. you go, girl.
and then a Happy Ending with much declarations of love. and later, a Happy Pregnancy. awww.
overall, definitely a couple scenes for me to contemplate later.