Thursday, March 28, 2013

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs

by Sylvia Scott Gibson

Latawnya, the Naughty Horse, Learns to Say "No" to Drugs


Latawnya the horse woke up one fine spring morning, ready to eat and then ready to roll. She loved to gallop hither and thither. This was how she spent most of her days, eating and galloping and cavorting with her best friends, Betty Blue and Sir Cedric Fairyweather. She remembered that once it used to be different. The little human boy who lived next door liked to ride Latawnya, he used to feed her treats and stroke her mane... he used to be her best friend. All that changed with the arrival of her nemesis, the little pony named Brown Sugar. Nowadays, the human boy only had eyes for Brown Sugar. Once he had enjoyed Brown Sugar, he never went back. It made Latawnya quite upset.

Exiting her stable, she noticed that the infernal Brown Sugar was already out and about. She trotted up to the little pony, who eyed her with a smug and callow expression. Barely knowing what she was doing, Latawnya reared up and struck Brown Sugar in the head with her front hooves. Brown Sugar was instantly knocked out, and dropped to the ground like a stone weight - just as the human boy's mother came out onto her back patio. The human woman saw the fallen pony, and cried out "Latawnya, whatever have you done! You are surely a Naughty Horse!"

Latawnya yelled "Neigh!"(1) then quickly galloped off. Latawnya was not the kind of horse to deal with such trifling things as consequences.

So she ran hither and thither in the wide open spaces, eventually coming upon her best friends. Betty Blue was looking depressed, tragic, and slutty - per usual. Sir Cedric Fairyweather was looking fancy, with little bells and ribbons attached to his lovely mane - also per usual.

"Neigh!"(2) said Latawnya.

"Neigh!"(3) replied her friends, in unison.

Together the three of them cavorted, enjoying the sun and each other's company, relaxing as only horses know how to relax. Although there was the usual gossip and bitching, it was clear that the three of them loved life, and sunshine, and happiness. They did not need DRUGS. They did not even know what 'DRUGS' really were. But little did they know, the dark spectre of DRUGS was about to enter their carefree, horsey lives.

There was a strong, handsome, musky-smelling horse who Latawnya and her friends had a big crush on. He could run the fastest, neigh the loudest. His name was Heathcliff Spiritcatcher. He was not a gentle horse nor was he a kind horse. He had a real cocky attitude - and his friends Sporty, Jocko, Frathorse, and Swifty McCrowbar were just as bad. In truth, they were all a bunch of equine assholes. But Heathcliff Spiritcatcher was truly a good-looking specimen of male horsiness... and that was all that Latawnya and her friends really cared about. Thus did the shallowness of their youth lead them all down that terrible path... TO DRUGS!

As the lovely morning ended and the equally lovely afternoon began, up galloped Heathcliff and his crew. Latawnya noticed that they had a new horse with them - a shady looking fellow with a sallow hide and strangely dilated pupils. Latawnya snorted at him suspiciously.

"Neigh! Neigh!"(4) said Heathcliff.

"Neigh!"(5) said Latawnya, Betty, and Sir Cedric in unison.

"Neigh?"(6) asked Heathcliff, tossing his head towards his shady new friend. Before they even answered, he said quickly "Neigh? Neigh. Neigh?"(7)

"Neigh!"(8) said Betty Blue.

"Neigh!"(9) said Sir Cedric Fairyweather.

"...Neigh..."(10) mumbled Latawnya.

And so the shady horse Rattleshirt ambled over to Betty Blue, shook his mane, and a little brown cube fell to the ground in front of Betty - who ate it right up. He did the same for Sir Cedric. When he looked over at Latawnya, she pointedly looked the other way. She had decidedly mixed feelings about this shady horse and she didn't understand why her handsome Heathcliff would even be hanging out with such gutter trash. He looked like he used to be a common racing horse! Latawnya gazed into the blue yonder and wondered what she should do in this odd situation. She began to ruminate on whether there would ever be a real future between her and Heathcliff.

Some troubling noises slowly brought her back to reality. She saw that Betty Blue was really out of it, whinnying in a confused yet excited manner. Jocko & Sporty quickly rolled up on Betty... and without further ado, began to take turns mounting her! Latawnya was shocked and upset. She turned to Sir Cedric, who had a glazed look in his eyes as he watched the sordid scene. And then Sir Cedric, in a rather stumbly gait, went over to Frathorse & Swifty McCrowbar... and presented himself rearward as they whinnied their approval! Latawnya just didn't know what to think. It was all so sudden, so horrible. These sorts of activities made her very uncomfortable. Latawnya felt that she was the kind of horse who always kept it real - but also kept it classy. Would her friends even be acting this way if they weren't under the influence... OF DRUGS?

She noticed Heathcliff and Rattleshirt smirking at each other - and then at her! Together they trotted confidently towards her, leering suggestively.

"Neigh? Neigh!"(11) said Heathcliff with a randy grin.

Latawnya didn't know what to say. She wanted to run away. She couldn't believe what kind of horse Heathcliff was turning out to be. She glanced down and noticed his member - it was stiffening! It was growing in anticipation... of what? He definitely had her confused with the wrong horse if he thought she could be had this easily! Suddenly she felt really pissed off.

She reared up and struck Heathcliff in the brow with her front hooves, struck him repeatedly, so hard that blood spurted everywhere. She turned and wildly dealt the same hand to the stunned Rattleshirt. Two horses went down. Brains spilled out and the blood ran red then black.

"Neigh!"(12) shouted Latawnya hysterically, and quickly galloped away from the grim tableau.

Latawnya had learned the ultimate way to Just Say 'No' to Drugs... a truly hard-earned lesson indeed!


(1) Fuck Off!
(2) What up, my peeps!
(3) What up, girl!
(4) What up! It's a mighty fine day!
(5) You know it!
(6) Hey have you met my bro Rattleshirt?
(7) Hey wanna do some drugs? My number one dude here just scored. Y'all wannna have a good time?
(8) Gimme!
(9) That would be divine!
(10) ....Um, I dunno about that...
(11) So you wanna party too? Get over here girl, let's get it crackin'!
(12) Fuck Off!

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