Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label journal. Show all posts

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Goodreads Deletions

Hi Mark,
 
Your reviews of the following books were recently flagged by Goodreads members as potentially off-topic:

 
As the reviews are not about the books in question, they have been removed from the site. You can find the text of the reviews attached for your personal records.

If you continue to post content like this, your account may come under review for removal.
 
Sincerely,
The Goodreads Team
 
***
 
reviews were posted shortly after and in response to Goodreads' announcement of a policy shift on reviews.
 
text of reviews deleted:
 
All Flesh is Grass, and so are all websites consumed by greed. I mean srsly, did you check out that twitter post from that one goodreads author showing how much this website is invested in making this an author-centric website? and how little it cares about the folks who actually produce content for this website? Simak would not approve!
 
*
 
the first wave was The Golden Agers and that's David and his buddies. the second wave was The Silver Agers and that's probably Nancy & Kemper & Dan and them. the third wave is just Stephen, he deserves his own wave. now he's gone, thanks a lot mean Golden Agers for driving him away. the fourth wave is Katrina Lumsden and her review for 50 Shades of Grey. the fifth wave will be all those people still to come who will write 5 stars review for all of the authors who pay Goodreads to merchandise their books and to drive away all those nasty reviewers who are mean to them and make mean shelves all about them. cause it's all about them. the sixth wave will be the Goodreads Apocalypse!

*

The Void; or, what lurks at the heart of Goodreads' new policy of censorship.

*

Moomins Cookbook, by Tove Jansson

I heard somewhere that Tove Jansson had a lot of orgies with the Moomins. and a fat ass. well, not that she had an orgy that included an overweight donkey, but rather that baby got some back, you know?

FLAG

*

An Uncommon Whore, by Belinda McBride

An Uncommon Whore; Or, The Story of Goodreads' Acquisition by Amazon
by Belinda McBride (Goodreads Author)

FLAG

[spoiler tag] I am actually quite enthusiastic about reading this one! it looks enjoyable. but I really couldn't resist using the title for my own sordid little joke. [spoiler tag]    
 
 

Friday, September 20, 2013

How to Date a White Woman: A Practical Guide for Asian Men

by Adam Quan

46772

mark monday, age 10: "Can I spend the night at Marc Morton's house?"

Mom: "Always spending time with Marc Morton! What do you two do? Do you have a girlfriend yet? Your uncles had girlfriends when they were younger than you. The Philippines makes men! Where is your girlfriend?"

mark: "Can I spend the night at Marc Morton's?"
____________________

Mom: "Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

mark, age 15: "I do. Her name is Jamie. You've met her. She lives down the street."

Mom: "Is she white?"

mark: "Yes!"

Mom: "You can have her spend the night here if you want."
____________________

Mom: "Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

mark, age 20: "No! I don't know if I even like girls!"

Mom: "Well, I do. Her name is Deanna and she lives down the street."

mark: "Are you serious?"

Mom: "Yes I am. I don't care what anyone thinks. She's black and she's beautiful and we teach aerobics together and your father doesn't mind."

mark: "Well okay then."
____________________

Mom: "Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

mark, age 25: "No, you know I don't. I have a boyfriend. Tom. You've met him, many times!"

Mom: "He is a very nice man and a good friend to you. But he's not a gay. He was a marine, remember?"

mark: "Mom, come on, I live with him!"
____________________

Mom: "Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

mark, age 30: "Yes, I do. She's Turkish and her name is---"

Mom: "I don't believe you. What is a Turkish? Is she white?"

mark: "No, she's not"

Mom: "Well, it's your life. I met some very nice Filipinas at the gym. I think you would like them. They are very sweet and submissive."

mark: "What?"
____________________

Mom: "Do you have a girlfriend yet?"

mark, age 40: "No. Sigh."

Mom: "Do you have a boyfriend yet?

mark: "No. Sigh."

Mom: "What is wrong with you? I want more grandchildren! You need to date someone and give me more grandchildren!"

mark: "Sigh."

Mom: "You should date a white woman, a girl in college. Those women like older men. You should teach at a college. Find a beautiful girl. Or someone. What is wrong with you?"


LIFE LESSONS

How mark monday Got Himself Placed on the Honors Track in High School and So Became a Smashing Success in Life... through Fighting and Lying!

in 9th grade, on my last day of school before moving from Virginia to Orange County (mid-school year), some joker told me that he was happy i was moving. so I grabbed my lunch tray and proceeded to bash it over his head repeatedly. I hate people who are discourteous!

in the Vice-Principal's office, I was told "This is the Last Time. You are Suspended for a week!"
to which I responded: "ha, ha, this is my last day, I'm moving to California tomorrow, stupid!"
and to which I was told: "We will hold your records until you have served your suspension, no matter where you go." ...Uh Oh

so I moved to Los Alamitos, located in beautiful, peaceful, sunny-beyond-belief Orange County, California. I went in to register for my new life, second semester 9th grade. I got my id, filled out the forms, was told to return in a week, when school started up again after the break.

but that next week, they were perplexed - for some reason, my old school wasn't sending me my records! and yet my old school was also not communicating (God Bless Administrators Everywhere) and so my new school did not know what was going on. the trusting administrators at Los Alamitos High then just went ahead and asked me this key question:

Why Don't You Just Tell Us What Classes You Were In?

it was a make-it-or-break-it moment. in Virginia, I was purely Average. I was average at being average. but I was struck with inspiration and decided to lie and put myself in all of the Honors Classes. Advanced English, Advanced This and That. and they believed me! I couldn't believe my good fortune.

so merrily I went to Mrs. Bennett's Honors English class. upon walking in, I noticed they were doing some foofy role-play about The Illiad - which i had read like 3 years earlier. I thought to myself man they saw right through me! I'm back in Average Classes.

ha, I quickly realized I was wrong! the academic standards in California were so low in comparison to Virginia (and South Bend, Indiana, where I went to school before Virginia), that Honors English was actually not just equivalent to regular ole English in those other states... it was actually far less challenging. goodbye, Average Kid. hello, new Straight-A Student!

***

Los Alamitos was the site of much controversy in the late 80s, when a School of the Arts (located within Los Al at the time) student was not allowed to exhibit her explicitly lesbian painting - unless it was covered up and the tagline "Let me live for the day when two women can love each other in peace" was changed to "Let me live for the day when two people can love each other in peace". Happily, the ACLU got involved and swinish school principal Carol Hart had to relent. Uncovered lesbianism on display at Los Al!

Los Al and its past teachers have been on my mind a bit.

one day in Mrs. Busenkell's Advanced Placement English Class for sophomores, we were given a typically bizarre assignment: pick a student, follow them around, study their actions, report back in an essay. Being the new Straight-A (well, not really) Go-Getter that I was, I chose to spy on 2 people. the first person, someone i liked. the scond person... an Ex-Friend. my report on him was scathing. lots of "he is a follower" and "he laughs at everyone's jokes like he wants a medal" and "superficial trend-lover" type comments. etc. Mrs Busenkell couldn't believe someone could write such a savage report on - get this - one of her son's best friends. so with typical Los Al professionalism, she shared my report with my Ex-Friend. what kind of teacher does that? apparently a Los Al kind of teacher, circa mid-80s. her decision to share one student's paper with another student exacerbated tensions between me and that Ex-Friend for years. he finally got around to telling me about it at a recent birthday, after I guess finally making peace with it some time ago. I had thought that paper was private and could never figure out why my old Ex-Friend never warmed up to me, even after we had resolved our differences. and so a potentially great friendship between two queer teens was nipped in the bud due to teacher shenanigans. believe me, my friend could have used some support - being a closeted gay teen was no picnic for him, while being queer has always been no problem for me. maybe I could have helped him not go down some rather questionable paths if that wedge hadn't been driven so deep.

hey Mrs. Busenkell, this one's for you!

Saturday, March 30, 2013

The Wayward Bus

by John Steinbeck

The Wayward Bus

i saw Dusty reading this and asked him what it was all about. he said it was hard to say, it was about life and people and what a countertop looks like and what a place feels like and how people think or not-think. he also said that Steinbeck was his favorite author. he finished reading the book and then gave it to me. i would say that Dusty is my friend, sure, why not.

The Wayward Bus is about a bunch of people in post-WW 2 america. it features a pimply and testosterone-filled youth, a homely waitress, a smokin hot stripper, a conformist old executive & his quietly manipulative wife & their independent daughter, an angry old man, a war vet turned traveling salesman, a horrible and self-loathing wife and her husband - a "man". at least that's how Steinbeck takes pain to describe him, repeatedly. what is a "man"? have i met one? anyway, all these people met up at a diner and most of them get on a bus together, and that's the novel. The Wayward Bus is about Wayward People. or more specifically, people who are in transition or who want to be in transition or who are experiencing a moment in their lives where transition could potentially happen, if they let it. if that transition is the right thing to do. what is "the right thing to do"? i don't know.

Dusty is my BIL's younger brother. he seems to always be in transition. what is he doing right now? i don't know. i see him during the Christmas holidays, we usually crash in my sister's living room, we watch our nephews open gifts, we drink some drinks, we have Christmas dinner together, we go our separate ways. before Christmas i usually take him and the rest of the family out to a really nice dinner. that's my Christmas gift to them all. it is the kind of anonymous 'expensive' gift that is very easy for a bachelor like myself to give. all it requires is a lot of money and very little thought. Dusty gives me good gifts for Christmas. he thinks about his gifts; they are meaningful, and personally meaningful to me. he has the gift of giving thoughtful gifts. i think i used to have that gift as well. did i lose it?

Steinbeck is a brilliant writer, let's just get that out of the way. his prose is genuinely amazing. cliche time: he is a painter using words. his writing absorbed me - but a depressing kind of absorbing. he describes these characters inside and out, you know what they look like and how they will react in a given situation. he contextualizes them. he supplies the macro and the micro. he beautifully describes these characters' surroundings, natural or man-made, the history of a particular setting, what it looks and smells and feels like, the resonance of a place. he moves from that to what a countertop looks like, a small and under-furnished room, a bus (lots & lots of bus!), a cave, a barn, an abandoned house. my God, the man describes the inner life of a fly right before it is crushed! the novel feels both big and small. he gets into these characters' heads, he shows the why and the how and the what-if of their waywardness, their possible and impossible transitions and journeys. he makes you know them. even the angry old man - even he gets his reason why, his context, his pain & fear & longing, even he is made whole for the reader. for some readers, he makes you love them, or at least able to empathize with them. but not for this reader. thanks to Steinbeck, i "know" them. i guess. but empathize? probably not. they seem to exist solely to carry out the stereotypical functions of their gender, to obsess about sex, about power, to dream of freedom, to dream big and then act small. i don't like these characters. are lives really so small? maybe it is a smallness in me that refuses to recognize their needs and desires as my own, to dismiss them as "stereotypes". i suppose. so yeah, Steinbeck is a brilliant writer. he makes me understand these characters enough to make this reader's skin crawl at the thought of them.

Dusty is in the military. sorta. he's out now but still connected. he's young and handsome so they feature him in videos on youtube where he explains how the military counters terrorist threats and how to use various weapons. Dusty has been in Iraq. Dusty is a Buddhist. i think. he appreciates eastern philosophies and dislikes material possessions and wants to work with his hands, preferably in nature. i don't know if he has Big Goals in his life but he is a thinker. he thinks and then he switches up his life. then he thinks again, and switches it all up again. he is a Wayward Bus kinda guy.

i am not a Wayward Bus kinda guy. this is an incredible book in many ways but i did not connect with it. i don't appreciate its take on human nature. it depressed me, these characters depressed me. sometimes i look at things like The Wayward Bus and am reminded that i may have smarts but i don't think i have a lot of depth. i am content and usually just want to be left alone. i'm not Wayward, i'm the opposite, i'm here to stay. i look at these characters and sometimes they are like bugs to me, like that fly getting crushed in that cake. Dusty looks at them and he sees real people. he empathizes with them, their situation resonates with him, he connects. why is that? i look at Dusty and i see a real person. don't i? what is a real person anyway.

despite all the wayward and meandering existential angst above, i think this is a brilliant book. you should read it. i loved it and yet i didn't like it very much. you can love something without liking it, right?

Little, Big

by John Crowley

Little, Big

sometimes, when dreaming, i am aware of a complex and mysterious history to the at times strange but often mundane narrative of the dream itsef. i'll be running away from something, against some dark background, a house or castle or a school, who knows... although the drama of running is clear, there's often a feeling that so many things have already happened before i started running, things of which i'm only dimly aware, a whole story has happened or is happening in which i'm only getting bits & pieces or what feels like the end. i guess it's what makes some dreams so hard to explain - simple or inexplicable events occurring that have an emotional depth and meaning that is near impossible to describe in passionless terms.

other times, passing by my work's drop-in center, i'll exchange words with a visitor, a person usually dealing with life changes or the possibility of life ending (that's the nature of my workplace). they'll say some simple pleasantry or even give a brief phrase to show how they're doing... and there's a whole world in what they say, an entire journey expressed, near-tangible emotions conveyed. but of the details of that history, the why and how of it, and the place they seek or the place they fear to go... inexpressible.

that's what reading Little, Big was like for me. so many little moments in a family's life, in the lives of people connected to the family, in the city in which the family dwells. and all these moments live in a world with a background and a future that is vast, mystical, dreamlike, one that cannot be expressed with any kind of logical or linear description. sometimes the moments are so personal and delicate... other times they are whimsical and brimming with magic, or strange and full of some kind of barely understandable threat... sad moments, and tragic ones, and moments filled with delight... and in the end, they become grand and they sweep the characters and the reader towards what almost feels like an understanding of the purpose and destination of it all. almost!

the novel is about an enchanted family, their loves & lives & history. it is also about the end of an age, the beginning of another, witches & changelings & fairies & enchantments, loneliness & forgetfulness & sorrow, love, the past and the future, and new york city. there are no real villains, there are no traditional heroes. the writing has a dense but fragile beauty. there are layers upon layers. there are mythical beings that come alive and realistic characters that become as myths. i sighed in amazement, many times, at the wonder of it all; it is like a dream made half-real. it is a unique book.

Absolute Beginners

by Colin MacInnes

Absolute Beginners

Absolute Beginners is remarkable - a dream of a novel. It is fast-paced, sweet-tempered, open-hearted, a golden book in many ways – a paean to youth, to a future brimming with possibility, to a present that is lived vibrantly and joyfully. It is also about selling out, junkies, prostitution, and race wars. How can this be? I suppose it is all about point of view, and the protagonist’s perspective is the embodiment of Live Now and Love It. This is one of those rare novels that make the reader feel even more alive by reading it. The enthusiasm of its narrator was equaled by my enthusiasm of the world that MacInnes plunges us into headfirst. It depicts, it mocks, it leaps forward, it grabs your hand and carries you along.

I was young once, gosh, just a decade or so ago. or more. I lived a life full of punks, hippies, goths, ravers, djs, fags, dykes, trans girls & guys, straight guys who made out with other guys and straight girls who were angry and ardent feminists, vegetarians and vegans, girls who stripped for cash in dives and guys who waved their hard-ons for free in print, fighters and peacemakers, guys who carved symbols on their bodies and girls who dressed like vampire princesses; we lived in junked-out flats filled with too many people, we shared clothes and went on road trips and had neverending parties and made protests against the government and danced all night and consumed amazing amounts of booze and drugs and sex and live music. I read Absolute Beginners during that period, and one of the best things about this novel was that it felt completely real and true to me, despite the difference in social scenes that were separated by decades, by an ocean. It showed the true diversity available to people in their late teens, in their 20s; it illustrated – and so nonchalantly – values that were not just held dear, but were unspoken, values that defied the middle class and that were simply assumed to be shared by everyone we knew. To read oneself and one’s peers in a novel written in 1958 is something special, something wonderfully moving to contemplate, even many years later.

What lifts Absolute Beginners above the idea that life for the young and unencumbered can be a great time, a fun carnival, is its complete awareness that this is also rather an illusion, and a crushingly temporary one at that. So many wonderful things can happen, so much excitement – and yet the world around this world still exists to be fought against. For me and my friends, that world to rail against did not just include asshole yuppies who came to our neighborhoods from time to time, it included police brutality, the WTO, the wars abroad. In Absolute Beginners, that world above includes race warfare. "Race" is clearly interwoven throughout the narrative, and yet it is one of so many things that the narrator is aware of, just one facet of the world that the narrator comments on... the reader could almost lose sight of it. But race and racism are there the entire time and slowly but surely become the whole point; by the end, the reader and the protagonist see how fragile a life full of living can be when the world is singling out his peers for destruction, and those peers are turning to him for alliance. The protagonist chooses, and chooses well. But it marks an ending of sorts, an ending of an attitude and a lifestyle, and the beginning of an understanding that no matter what he and his peers have built, he lives in the world still, as does everyone, and that world is one of both wonder and horror.

Chicken Soup for the Soul

by Jack Canfield

one fine summer day, young mark monday - aged 4 or 5 - was tooling around the neighborhood on his Big Wheel. he was a happy lad and liked to make others around him feel happy too. this outlook soon saw its first challenge when he wheeled up to his friend Tommy - who looked miserable and had clearly been crying.

"What's the matter, Tommy?"

"Dad's going away!"

young mark monday was a military brat and so was Tommy, so mark knew exactly how he felt. he had felt the same way, many times. but he hated seeing his friend Tommy looking so upset. he thought for a moment, and as his thoughts tended to do, they moved towards his favorite shows, Sesame Street and Electric Company. what happened when kids had problems on those shows, problems that they didn't know how to solve? why, they sang about them! and then the problems just didn't seem so big anymore. and so young mark sang.

"Don't be sa-ad, Tommy!
Just be gla-ad, Tommy!
The sun is bright,
Let your heart take --"


mark was silenced when Tommy suddenly picked up a rock and smashed it right into his face. then Tommy ran off. mark sat there stunned... then slowly rode his Big Wheel home, crying and bleeding. from that day on, he knew the dangers of trying to turn a frown upside down.

Chicken Soup for the Soul


The Celestine Prophecy

by James Redfield

The Celestine Prophecy: An Adventure  (Celestine Prophecy, #1)

a mea culpa for me and Ruby!

once upon a time, a long time ago, i was an Entertainment Insurance Underwriter for AIG (well, a junior underwriter). i got to read a lot of scripts, i dealt with a lot of famous people, i got paid a lot of money. it was a time of much partying, much coke, an expense account, 1.5 assistants, and daily hangovers. one day i learned that i had written a movie policy that was so successful, so full of clever exclusions to coverage that it managed to cut off an entire family from any AIG benefits after a fatal helicopter crash. i found this out because the current CEO was visiting the san francisco office and decided to stop by and see this promising young underwriter to tell him "the good news". that was the day i realized that i was an evil person. i looked inside and didn't see a whole lot there. soon after, i quit my job and became a counselor for homeless kids, and so my life changed.

during this time period, i had an associate named Ruby. we had a complicated relationship, based around sex, drugs, and a long trip to Turkey. Ruby was a Crisis Management Underwriter... she wrote policies for folks working in danger zones. her policies included kidnap insurance, explosion insurance (car & building & home), insurance that included services from high-tech spy & security group Kroll and information brokers/ hostage negotiators Pinkerton, insurance that allowed you to insure various limbs and appendages so that you could get a financial return if you were kidnapped and some torture-amputation occurred. her promo materials included an empty swing with a teddy bear (kidnap insurance), the world on fire (global coverage), and some cute lil' gray styrofoam bombs. no joke. later, she quit her job and moved on to buying and selling condominiums.

we were two heartless people. Ruby's favorite book in the whole wide world was The Celestine Prophecy. it formed her view on life and how to live it... "it taught her so much". she read it multiple times, and loaned it to me. i loved it. "it spoke to me"... it gave me a perspective on the world that had me nodding my empty little head repeatedly in agreement while reading it.

good grief! this must have been a monstrous book indeed if it gave such toxic, horrible individuals a kind of bizarrely personalized spirituality and a host of new agey life lessons to cling to desperately. sometimes you can judge the value of a book by the readers who love that book.

Kroll
Pinkerton

Photobucket


Thursday, March 28, 2013

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

by David Foster Wallace

A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again

he picked up a book. he read the book. it was him all over. the best version of himself! and the worst.

Photobucket

what is postmodernism, really? is it a way to understand the world, to define the world, to separate yourself from the world... when you are actually a part of that world? a part of the so-called problem? you want to put a layer between you and the world. you are so much apart from it, right? an unwilling participant in all of those repulsive patriarchal and terminally corny signs and signifiers, things that disgust you, it's not fair, just because you happen to have the misfortune to be born straight & white & male and, as they say, privileged. you need the distance, the alienation, the angst of being someone, something, anything, apart... because you know you are different. right? you just know it. you enjoy things and yet you don't enjoy them, you enjoy not enjoying them, your layer of hipster irony protects you and maybe fulfills you. and you will never admit that. you self deprecate, in your own egotistical way. you are the boss of you; no one can take that away. everything is so corny and full of bullshit, surely they must see that. and yet there must be truth there, if you look for it. you tell yourself that. you write a book, a great book about life and love and living and loving, etc. you write a book, or imagine yourself writing a book. it is not this book. this book is all about the unimportant things, the annoying things, the fake shit and all the bullshit. does it satisfy you? not really. so you read a book. you feel better. let the irony take over, it comforts you. you are not angry, not angry at all. you laugh at all that fake shit, all the bullshit. angry is a hot emotion. you don't feel those, at least not anymore.

Photobucket

you go to a movie set. Lost Highway. you try to keep an open mind but it is all fake, it is all bullshit. there are too many assholes in the world! and yet the director at the center of it all is not fake, he is not bullshit, he's not an asshole. does he understand something about life that you do not? what does he understand, what does he know? you want to know. he is just being himself, and you don't understand that. or maybe you do. it all makes you deeply uncomfortable.

you go to a fair; you go on a cruise. both are depressing. but funny! the kind of funny that you can only sheepishly admit. perhaps you are a part of the problem; it is people who look just like you who created this world that you despise. you try to enjoy the fair. you try to enjoy the cruise. you take enjoyment from your lack of enjoyment. you write a book, a collection of short works, at times even a "personal narrative". that's the phrase, right? you personally inject yourself into the narrative, into this ridiculous world. you feel better! but not really. fuck this life. fuck this earth. there is only one way to live in this life and that is through the glass of irony, a postmodern form of protection, the strongest barrier, it will protect you, just breathe, you know you can do it, it's not so bad,

Photobucket.

my name is mark. i'm not white, not really, only half-white, does that count as white? i don't feel white, however that feels. i am bisexual, no really. i veer gay if that it makes it easier to swallow. oh and i wasn't born in this country, this U.S. of fucking A. and hey, what's money? i've never had it; i'll never get it. and who the fuck is David Foster Wallace? i dunno. he's some dude that everyone jacks off to, apparently.

Photobucket

i have a friend named Benji - a golden lad (i look at him through the lense of my very first impression, forever ingrained). he is nothing like DFW. once he talked about how he doesn't see race or class or sexuality, because he's never had to. he was raised by good progressives; he was raised to love life. nice life! he talked about how he wished everyone could be like him, not white or straight or a guy or from money or whatever, but able to look at things like they were and not let all the bullshit get them down, and so just live. not assign guilt or blame, just to understand, or try to, and then move on. not judge. you know, it should be easy, life should be easy, why isn't it? i listened to him say these things and i thought i wish. i wish i could be that way. you are so naive, Benji. i fucking hate you. i fucking love you. DFW is the opposite of Benji. and yet, and yet... is the difference merely a question of awareness? of critical distance? i can't imagine being a person like Benji, being that blithe. and he's not even that blithe. but i think Benji could enjoy a county fair, an awful cruise, he could enjoy it without irony i think. maybe. certainly without that underlying feeling of sadness and, yep, i won't pretend, without the condescending irritation at the futility of all these fucking gestures, the fake shit and the bullshit, the power imbalances, the need to make form equal meaning. i love Benji but i'm not sure i understand him. so why do i understand David Foster Wallace? he is nothing like me. he is like Benji. straight white male; money: not a problem. what do i have in common with David Foster Wallace? nothing. the idea is ludicrous. and yet, and yet... why do i read him and feel like i am reading my own thoughts, right there on the page? my own thoughts, staring back at me.

Zone One

by Colson Whitehead

Zone One

FRIDAY

mark monday got up at his usual hour, in his usual bed, and after leisurely winding his way through his various morning routines, made his way to work, to perform his usual functions. it was a friday, a day where most of his colleagues found reasons to be elsewhere - appointments and such - and so this was mark's favorite work day to be in the office. the lack of potential irritation meant more work could be accomplished. on some level, he realized that this was perhaps a rather uncharitable perspective, and so he actively tried to create positive, supportive relationships with his colleagues to balance out these misanthropic tendencies. mark accomplished his various pre-set work goals to varying degrees of satisfaction. when faced with an annoying email or an unpleasant task, he would sometimes pause to remind himself that he "liked" his job, it was surely an important one, one that could be seen to help many needy people, one that was mandated by the government, one that afforded him a certain level of both personal self-esteem and public influence. it was an administrative position.

after work, mark went with his boss to a community forum at city hall on federal health care reform (scheduled, unpleasantly enough, on a friday evening). he used this forum as a reason to avoid attendance at both a going-away party for a co-worker (he was never too partial to that colleague's whininess) and a night out of dinner & drinks with a former best friend from san diego (too many buried resentments that could now, happily, go unearthed). the individuals on the forum's panel said their various rote statements and everyone performed their necessary functions in their role that evening. afterwards, mark monday went home and started reading Zone One by Colson Whitehead.

the novel takes place after a zombie apocalypse, as the world attempts to rebuild itself. the protagonist, Mark Spitz, is a member of Omega Unit, which is one of many civilian units charged with the clean-up of nyc, moving street by street and building by building to find and dispose of any remaining stragglers not wiped out by prior military incursions. zombies come in two forms: 99% are "skels", your basic ravening zombie, hungry for flesh; 1% are "stragglers", a revenant that is usually harmless, found hovering aimlessly in places that once held meaning for them. their office; their usual restaurant; the elevator where they spontaneously proposed marriage; the field where they flew their first kite. stragglers cling to their old lives, their old roles, they remain somehow connected to what once personally defined them. Mark Spitz finds this haunting of old places to be both sad and predictable. he muses constantly on the roles that people give themselves, the way that they define themselves, the places they give value and the meaning of that value. mark monday found these ruminations to be interesting but rather missed the excitement of an old fashioned tale of zombies running amuck. he wasn't sure that this was the book that he wanted to read at 1:30 in the morning on a friday night. still, he stuck with it. as Mark Spitz pondered the meaning behind humanity's self-built mouse mazes and humankind's need to adopt roles that give them purpose, mark monday idly reflected on the rather ineffable sadness of those roles - as if they could somehow give a person genuinely deep satisfaction, as if mankind wasn't actually composed of players in a play that has been long written, as if that play won't simply be played again and again, with different players, an updated script.

at the end of the novel's first part (entitled "Friday"), Mark Spitz bunks down with his Omega Unit partners, broods on his empty and mediocre pre-zombie apocalypse existence, and goes to sleep. mark monday finished the chapter, desultorily jacked off to a random fantasy template, and went to sleep.

SATURDAY

mark slept in, per usual on a Saturday, had his usual food and put on his usual attire, and went to the park. it was a reasonably nice day for san francisco and the park was full of people doing their usual thing. enjoying the weather, talking, laughing, reading, sleeping, working on their laptops and talking on their cell phones. mark did the same. he made a few phone calls and so enacted his various roles as son, brother, friend, former lover, and/or support system. he read Zone One from time to time, where Mark walked down his memory's corridors: an unfulfilling life of mediocrity, his parents already turned zombie pre-zombie apocalypse, then running from the onslaught of the undead, surviving, finding other survivors and yet never connecting with them, always erecting barriers to hide himself, never feeling, rarely loving, a life on the run much like his former life standing in place, in safety. mark found himself growing bored and then frustrated with Mark's navel-gazing. it was perhaps the wrong book to bring to the park, too mordant, too contemplative, too jaded about the guises that humans adopt to comfort themselves, to make themselves feel whole. mark started feeling contempt towards Mark. he began to grow bored with his company. he began to wonder why literary author Colson Whitehead would bother writing a genre novel if all he was going to do was put his various tedious digressions to page, if he wasn't going to bother with an exciting narrative, if all he thought about humanity could be summarized in two words: eternal emptiness. such a person could be convicted on pretentiousness alone, thought mark. it is as if he is holding himself hostage to his own inner void.

back at home, mark monday contemplated what he would do for the evening. there was a dinner party that his old high school friends were having, but the idea of yet again being the life of the party, the person who made salty comments and saucy innuendos, their funny strange idiosyncratic friend...well, the idea of that role fatigued him. he could call up his "real friends" (that was the role in which he had cast them), try to do something fun he supposed, some drinking, some talking about the various challenges of being a teacher/ lawyer/ carpenter/ social worker/ mother/ father/ husband/ wife, some gossip about who said what to whom and why... but in the end, that felt rather like work. there was also a benefit that a sister agency was having, it would be good to be seen there, to hobnob amongst his peers, to blather some bullshit with politicians and stakeholders, to talk about his job and the importance of this or that piece of legislation... but he quickly rejected that off-hand: he'd play that role on monday, this was his weekend. so instead he chose to do what he often preferred to do in general these days: he stayed at home and read, free of troublesome engagement, free of the need to perform certain functions in the usual way, with the usual people.

in Zone One, Mark Spitz and his colleagues holed up in various locations and discussed their different paths in life, how those paths led them to where they were now. Mark contemplated the connection he had to his unit and the inevitability of that connection coming to a close. he did not feel sadness. he did not feel happiness. he did not feel anger. he did not feel regret. was he some form of "straggler"? mark monday felt a flash of sympathy, empathy even, at the idea of Mark Spitz's feelings of hollowness, of self-designation as a person of mediocrity. Mark was a kind of zombie himself, mark supposed. perhaps everyone was a kind of zombie. perhaps lack of affect, constant anomie, a relentless repetition of meaningless form and ritual were hallmarks of all kinds of humanity, both living and undead. mark wondered, is that a deep thought? deep thoughts annoyed him, and he quickly dismissed it. Colson Whitehead was proving to be a somewhat aggravating author and mark dismissed him as well. just a few more pages and then to bed, i'll finish this crap tomorrow, thought mark.

in the last few pages of the second part of the novel (entitled "Saturday"), Mark Spitz drinks both in the present time and in flashback, as he enjoys some R&R and contemplates his now-dead former supervisor. what role did that lieutenant fill in his own life; what lack of satisfaction drove him to his final actions? Mark shed no tears. mark had a beer himself ('Here's To You, Mark!'), shed no tears, went to bed, and remembered none of his dreams.

SUNDAY

mark woke up unusually early and read the final part of Zone One (entitled "Sunday"). destruction, death, and dangerous disarray riddled the final pages, and yet it was not a travelogue of horror but rather a guide to the hazards of connection and the importance of exit plans that can extract a person from unhealthy human and inhuman attachments. Mark Spitz realizes that as a mediocre person, he is ideally suited to surviving the zombie apocalypse. he 'does his best' for his colleagues, but there is little to do. he reflects on the transitory nature of all relationships as he thinks of the people in his life who have disappeared, of a makeshift family in which he was briefly a part, before it was torn asunder. he remembers that last person he loved, now gone from him forever, and was that really even love? Mark then runs.

mark closed the book and thought about how he would write that book's review. then he dressed in his usual clothes, went for his usual walk, stopped at his usual bookstore, and shopped at his usual grocery store. he went home and made some phone calls, enacting his usual roles, this time as friend to one and support system to another. he answered a text message notifying him of an acquaintance's accident with the rotely sympathetic language of a typical 'sensitive human male'. he watched an episode of Breaking Bad, and wondered at how Mr. White got himself into such a situation, contemplated the chain of events that had led the character to his new role in life. he watched the premiere of Dexter, gained some pleasure at watching Dex enact his role as bloody avenger, and grew annoyed at the character's insistence that he was a person without affect. oh please, mark thought, that's bullshit. i have as much affect as Dexter, and i'm no serial killer. mark reviewed his work calendar in advance of tomorrow's work role and wrote a navel-gazing review, per usual. mark brushed his teeth and then went to sleep.

The Virgin Proxy

by Georgia Fox

The Virgin Proxy

A NOTE TO FUTURE-MARK:

Do not try to downgrade this review! I know how you think, so don't try any of your little rationalizing excuses or tricks. You know this novella was enjoyable so don't front and don't try to rewrite history. You liked this. Don't try to pretend otherwise.

I'm watching you,
Past-Mark


this is the 5th of 5 erotic e-novellas that i enjoyed reading a couple weeks ago while stuck in sweltering DC. of the five, this was the most professionally written. it was witty, the dialogue was often funny, i liked the coughhistoricalcough setting, the narrative flowed smoothly, and the non-sex scenes were not filler - they were enjoyable to read and i did not rush through them to get to the next bit of sex. overall it perfectly accomplished its admittedly minor goals. really, there is nothing i can complain about The Virgin Proxy. ok, so let's talk about my dick.

wait, maybe a synopsis first. the place: Merrie Olde Englande. the time: i dunno, whenever those Normans took down the Saxons. when was that? the plot: Deorwynn is a Saxon and an independent, free-thinking and very pleasingly cheeky young miss who is stuck in a convent. Virgin Proxy opens up with her getting some mild punishment for some typical high-spirited tomfoolery (in this case, publicly baring her derriere). the plot kicks in when some sappy twit asks Deorwynn to accompany her on a trip to marry Studly Young Alpha Male slash Grouchy Norman conquerer Guy Devaux. the plan: substitute Deorwynn as the sappy twit's "Virgin Proxy" on the wedding night, because the sappy twit is no virgin. spoiler, we soon find out that she actually isn't that much of a sappy twit. how will this substitution be accomplished? apparently through the use of a bunch of veils. ok it is clear that a brain trust did not come up with this plan. but a plan is a plan and an erotic novella needs some kind of plan to kick-start all the sexy shenanigans. now Guy Devaux is no genius, but he soon realizes that some sort of sexy subterfuge is afoot. he's a formerly blue-collar mercenary raised in rank, and his background as a notorious ladykiller means that this pussyhound is not going to be fooled so easily. despite all this, he somehow finds himself - SURPRISE! - falling in love with this adventurous Saxon with a sassy mouth and a rockin' bod. she challenges him in all the right ways. say it ain't so! well, it is so.

do you get uncomfortable when people talk about what turns them on and what turns them off? i sorta do. in my 20s this was a common enough topic amongst my friends. well i'm not in my 20s now and my friends are more likely to talk about the cool circular saw they just bought or how it's tough to be a boss or when they plan on having a second kid. when my folks or my sister or my colleagues talk about their sexual interests, i often get a little creeped out, tune out, and go to my happy place until they're finished whining and/or salivating all over themselves. i should probably feel just as uncomfortable here on Goodreads, right? it is a public place. i have real life friends as Goodreads friends. and my sister has actually spyed on me from time to time and used Goodreads as a good place to find me ideal gifts. my God, the mother of the girl whose wedding i officiated this summer is one of my Goodreads friends (hi, Nancy!). so yeah, i should probably feel uncomfortable talking about my sexual predilections in such a public forum, and i should definitely feel uncomfortable talking about The Virgin Proxy's sex scenes in any great detail.

so anyway, here are my dick's responses to each of the novella's sex scenes, using a 1-5 Boner Scale.

(number of boners does not imply multiple boners achieved, but rather the strength of the boner in question)

⇧⇧⇧⇧ 4 Boners for Scene One. this one is all about not having sex. a girl taking a bath. a guy watching her take a bath. a girl taking care of herself while taking that bath. a guy taking care of himself while watching that girl take care of herself while taking that bath. a guy getting all worked up and a pervy meet-cute when he can't help but forcefully introduce himself and she can't help but appreciate the introduction. there's no real sex here, no pounding or anything like that, just some really heavy breathing and the adroit use of fingers and tongue. the girl's still a virgin at this point, so there's not much that can happen. and yet this was a great scene. i imagined myself as the dude, and that was hot. i imagined myself as the chick, and that was sorta hot too.

⇧⇧⇧ 3 Boners for Scene Two. this is the Wedding Night, and it is a pretty long scene. a lot gets accomplished. no anal, but that's great because people should really save some things for later. i liked this scene; it got the job done. it had a slight nonconsensual feel to it, mainly because Guy is one of those apparently adorable caveman types that the ladies gush over - but i want to emphasize slight. this story is NOT rapey. Guy may be a rather immature bully at times, but Deorwynn clearly likes to get off, and she likes to get off with Guy. she likes to enjoy herself. and i enjoy that about her!

a lot of saucy dialogue and a lot of angsty stuff from both parties. some amusing banter along the lines of
Guy Devaux: "I own you, serf!"
Deorwynn: "No you don't, no one owns me, Alpha-Asshole!"
Guy Devaux: "Oh you feisty thing you, you'll see who's the boss!"
Deorwynn: "I already know who the boss is and her name is Deorwynn!"

⇧⇧⇧⇧ 4 Boners for Scene Three. this was mainly a lot of sexy banter on a couch, lots of candles everywhere, with Guy all naked already and Deorwynn slowly stripping, and then both of them getting off in front of each other. oh, and Guy's bro Thierry is standing hidden in the corner, strokin it. these friends believe in sharing everything. i wish i had friends like that! anyway, i responded well to this scene and maybe it was because there was no graphic pounding. it was explicitly sexual, but it was not straight-up sex. cool.

⇧⇧ 2 Boners for Scene Four. Thierry and the not-really-a-sappy-twit get it on while Guy and Deorwynn are watching from behind a screen or something. then Guy and Deorwynn get it on because they are all worked up. i think that's pretty reasonable. there's some 69-ing that was acrobatic and that was sorta hard for me to picture. overall this wasn't bad, but nothing i'd add to my spank bank.

okay so by this point, no one is fooling no one and both parties agree that they are - SHOCKER - madly in lurve and they wanna get married. good job kids, the best relationships always start off with honesty. i approve!

⇧⇧⇧ 3 Boners for Scene Five. some al fresco sex up against a tree, etc. so this scene must be what the cover image is for, since Thierry gets involved. this happens (1) as some kind of test for Deorwynn and Guy that was really hard for me to wrap my mind around and (2) because Guy and Thierry are best buds and they really, really believe in sharing. except Thierry has to do some al fresco ejaculating because as far as that goes, Deorwynn's interior is Husband Only. Deorwynn has no problem with any of this and has a good time. Thierry has a good time. Guy has a good time. and there's no boring drama that comes out of it. i like how these people think!

at one point Guy tries to be all I Am The Dominant One and forbids Deorwynn from coming with Thierry. to which Deorwynn responds: "I'll come when I like and as often as I like. With or without you..." while keeping up the pace on Thierry. you go, girl.

and then a Happy Ending with much declarations of love. and later, a Happy Pregnancy. awww.

overall, definitely a couple scenes for me to contemplate later.

Photobucket

Room

by Emma Donoghue

RoomJesus Christ on a popsicle stick, i can't believe i have to read this! argh. my colleague Michael (hopefully not a GR member) loaned this to me; clearly he knows that i am a "reader". but just as clearly he also does not get that i like my books to have at least an edge of un-reality to them. you know, fantasy. horror. science fiction. historical fiction. and if not that, then just something, anything that moves them away from mainstream depictions of the modern real world. now Room looks like a snapshot of life right from the news. or right from my place of work! good grief, i deal with depressing enough stuff already goddamnit! reading the back cover description was like reading the label of a bottle of poison - i do not want to drink this.
__________

it took me over two weeks to finish the first half. i finished the second half during an afternoon and part of an evening. an amazing novel and a very emotional experience. i think i'll save writing a review for a little bit and let it sink in for a while.
__________

it's hard for me to define exactly why the first half of the novel was so hard to get through. at first i convinced myself that the child's perspective was just too "hearbreakingly poignant", and i am not the kind of person who is enthusiastic about reading works of heartbreaking poignance. but that is patently false; i love those kinds of books although i would never admit it openly. well, i'd say it in a GR review, but i would never say that out loud, if that makes sense. perhaps i'm a hypocrite that way. so then i convinced myself that there was just something wrong with the narrator's voice, something off, he just seemed - at different points - to be either too precocious or too simple for a child his age. i compared him a lot to my nephews, and it didn't gel - his thought process did not parallel their thought process. but then i thought about this kid's situation, the extreme sort of home-schooling he received, the protective wall that his amazing mom built for him, the way he interpreted the world...and it made sense, a whole lot of sense. his voice turned out to be a very real one for me, at least based upon my understanding of his young life.

and so i realized that the reason i was avoiding coming back to Room's first half was more basic, more simple. it made me want to cry, all the time. perhaps i'm too soft, maybe i just have too thin a skin. it's not like i have any illusions about kids - they are not saints to me, nor are they just tiny adults. i'm comfortable around children and i prefer them to many adults i've met, but i don't idealize them either. however i do have a big natural urge to protect them. i'm not sure where that comes from; i don't think it's based on genetics or upbringing. and so it was just really hard to return again and again to a novel that had as its central situation the kind of thing that i try actively to never contemplate. as in, i'll turn the channel or put down the paper if i come across a story like this one. to be honest, each time i read a few lines of the first half, my eyes would well up a little, that shortness of breath thing happened - and often in public, on the bus, at a coffeeshop, reading at a lunch spot. the private world of this novel became a public experience to me. i avoided this book at first because i do not like to appear weak - to the world around me, or to myself.

i told the guy who loaned me the book about my issues and was given some advice: just stick with it, it will open up and it will be beautiful. and so i did. and the book did. it was good advice.

the first half of the book was beautiful as well. wonderfully written. but thank God, the second half really did open up. it was like taking a breath of wonderful, clean air, somewhere in nature, away from the city. the humor remained but it was transformed into something wry, something that was still poignant but with a sheen of sardonic humor that i appreciated (and, truth be told, perhaps had a level of distance to it that i rather lazily connected to as well). the anger i felt in the first half towards Old Nick was inchoate - the kind of blind rage that i feel towards anyone who'd harm a child. the anger i felt in the second half was of a kind that is more comfortable, more familiar - towards the media, towards pop psychology, towards various institutions and the like. the second half had lessons to be learned - lessons about perception and isolation and materialism and the family bond and the bond between mother & son, protector & protected. the simple fact of "lessons to be learned" made the second half so much easier to read, it made the narrative positively propulsive in my desire to learn what was going to happen next. the horribly (and needfully) static nature of the book's first half was replaced by an emotional dynamism that really grabbed me. again, this is not a critique of the first half, which i think was perfectly written. instead, it is a critique of my own ability to deal with challenging, terrifying situations involving kids - since i couldn't do anything to stop or even hurt Old Nick, i wanted only to look away. and so the second half turned out to be more of a familiar road, with familiar pleasures. the first half of the book was horribly unique and my mind balked. the second half eased me back into a world i could deal with, respond to, and not shut down. at the end of the second half, the end of the novel itself, i read those last few sentences over and again, closed the book, and cried.

such a relief! it's funny to think of all the tears i had saved up.

Nightwood

by Djuna Barnes

Nightwood

Nightwood is the sound of hearts breaking, written on the page, spread out for all to see, five lives, five people eviscerated and eviscerating each other. These people fucking kill me, they are so sad and so full of nonsense and so determined to live in their own personal little boxes, striving for epiphanies that they barely even understand, trying to be a certain idea of What a Person Is. Is that what I'm like? Maybe that's what everyone is like. Barnes lays out these characters' lives like beads on a string, one after the other. "Baron" Felix, that whole fake heritage made by his father that he now lives out as if it were real. I can't help but identify a little bit with the Baron, his bullshit, his need to please, to be calm and careful as a way to prop himself up. His stiffness. Not really sure how Barnes feels about him - she spends a lot of time with him, such an elaborate backstory, so that's something (although I hate all the derogatory Jew crap, 'Jews are like this, Jews always think this way' - bogus, and the only thing that is boring in Nightwood). She creates this hollow man and then she fills him up with life and sadness and a rigid sort of sweetness towards his son, I see myself in him, and other people I know, my dad especially. Barnes seems more interested in the Robin-Nora-Jenny triangle. Makes sense; I'm more interested in them too. Robin Vote. That name! Is it supposed to mean something? She is like something out of a Duras novel, a hollow vessel, an intellectual kind of id, a sick need to define herself by rejecting those who want her, rejecting those who want to define her. I see a lot of myself in Robin, that fucked up need to keep people at a distance, no real connection means no proprietary relationship, let's just be friends, friends are easy, I love my friends. Except Robin has no real love in her, just a blind, mindless need... for what? Something. When we first meet her she is passed out, insensible; Barnes describes her as "La Somnambule", a sleepwalker in life - except sleepwalkers don't destroy. She is more like an exterminating angel, a sleepy one. In the end, confronting a dog, she is transformed into a kind of dog herself. I think that's unfair to dogs. My sympathies are mainly with Nora Flood, a tough dyke of the old school, a listener, a person people gravitate towards, to tell their stories, to be listened to and so given a kind of identity by that listening, being made human by being seen as human by another human. I see a lot of myself in Nora. There is a remoteness to her, different than the alien quality of Robin's hollow vessel, more like a stillness, a need to stay still and understand and truly see the world around her. And then when she's hurt, when she is filled with longing and damage and pain, it is so debilitating and yet filled with such sad fury, a painful howling fury, I've felt that, it just takes over and you don't want to feel anything but pain, your mind is just blank with it, all bright and dark hues of hot angry red. Poor Nora. Why does her life become defined by her pursuit of Robin? That's not even a life. But it is a better life than Jenny Petheridge's life, the third part of this strange, sorrowful triangle. Triangle? Why do I keep saying that? If you include Baron Felix, it is more of a square. But he barely counts in their lives, his poor sad son becomes his life, a son who is all need and reaching towards some kind of meaning, something to define him. I felt such empathy for that son, like I was that son. I am that son. But back to Jenny. Djuna Barnes must have based Jenny on someone she hates. There is so much detail about her craziness. And a lot of it is so funny, a terrible kind of funny, laughing at someone who is a rich basket case, at a person who is basically a straw man - woman - for the author's hate. She is all gruesome softness and blind stabby moments, crying hysterics and desperate neediness, such intensity and so little affect, defining herself by creating these fake worlds to live in, this dramatic love affair with an empty vessel, not caring who she hurts - shoving, scratching her emotions right into, onto a person's face, literally. And those who love her die - her history of dead husbands, leaving her better off and with more of nothing. I can't help but identify with Jenny, with her weakness, her desperate yearning. I remember when my heart was broken, except I was the one who did the breaking, broke two hearts, another person's heart isn't enough, let's break mine too, like Jenny with her insensible angry intrusive neediness, her boring self-abnegating self-flagellations, I hate all that. How can a person like Jenny compete with a person like Nora, how can Robin chose possession over true understanding? Well, that happens all the time I suppose. And Robin doesn't really even choose her, she chooses herself, again and again. I get Robin, I see her in the mirror; she's coming and going from and to nowhere.

And then the renegade doctor, the berserk socialite, Dr. Matthew O'Connor, railing against form and tradition, gentle and strong and angry and petty, a drunkard, a man who loves life, a transvestite living in his little squalid apartment, a man full of warmth and kindness and vitriol, a man who secretly defines himself by helping others, spitting out monologues about life and death and appearance and sanctity and desire. He delivered Nora Flood into the world and is her sounding-board, his long rants are not just violent flows of sound and fury and pathos, they are not merely self-absorbed, they are trying to speak to her by speaking of himself, he is trying to break through to her by breaking himself down in front of her, shaking her back to life, away from insensibility and morbid obsession, until the rant turns on the ranter and he in turn is broken down, seeing himself and the world around him for what he and it truly is, is becoming, is falling back into. His delirious rants are like the novel itself, discretely separated into chapters, separated by character and incident, and yet the parts are flowing into each other, the language flows into reality and out of it, the narrative folds up into itself until it becomes unrecognizable as a narrative, like a flower all mashed up so that the pulp is barely recognizable as the original flower, just little parts here and there, you pull a piece out and it is still a flower but what connection does it have to the original thing? It turns in on itself, it becomes something different and it stays essentially the same. I see a lot of myself in Matthew O'Connor, him most of all, most of all, I Am Matthew O'Connor, I live and breathe him, I read about these breaking hearts and they are all my heart too, all of it, none of it, it all comes together, it's all the same, each separate one of them, right?

...Is this a mobius strip, of sorts?:

Photobucket

_________________________

looking back on this a few weeks later, i see that i neglected key things that i usually like to put in my reviews.

the writing itself: beautiful! hypnotic. excessive. idiosyncratic. modernist (duh). drily amusing. rich with off-kilter nuance. flows like a bad dream.

the characterization: despite the experimental nature of the novel and a regular use of caricature, these are some amazingly three-dimensional characters. i got to understand them on a really human level, and not just as quirky conceits on a page.

the narrative: broken, unstable, constantly challenging - and often very annoying as well. annoying like sand in an oyster's shell! Nightwood: a pearl.

Story of the Eye

by Georges Bataille

Story of the Eye








ADULTS ONLY! KIDS YOU STAY AWAY!

Photobucket

take the sex act and strip away the burden of reality and what do you have?

take two characters and make them fuck. you are the author and they are your puppets. they will do anything you want. does fucking equal life? can fucking be a form of transgression? so be it, make it so. add another character. a menage! subtract that character, the poor thing. have your characters fuck right next to her cold hanging corpse. they are fucking death! add another character, a sophisticated gent of the old school (the school of Salo, of course). now add a bullfighter and a bullfight. some bull testes. a dead bullfighter. a dangling eye. ok, now add a sexy young catholic priest. fuck blow him. then kill him! play with his eyeball. now run away! a happy ending?

these are not spoilers. dear reader, you are dealing with abstractions. abstractions cannot be spoiled. you can look at them and your eye will see what it wants to see.

Photobucket

when is a novel not a novel? when is a narrative an anti-narrative?

when is an egg not an egg? an eye not an eye? when is urine a golden shower of life-affirming transgression?

your surface is like glass, Story of the Eye. eye see right through it. the glass is fractured; the images are compartmentalized. the images become symbols and metaphors. symbols of and metaphors for... what? eye see a metaphor. i make it my own. i take it in my hands and turn it into whatever i please. i turn it into an egg. the egg is life and i fuck it. i fuck life with my great staring eye. the eye is a looking-glass and i turn it towards myself. your surface becomes a mirror, Story of the Eye. it asks me: what is pornography? a series of living symbols and metaphors, profane and sacred acts, bodies devoid of purpose beyond the violence of movement, the slap and tickle of separating and colliding, sex as a sublime sort of personalized violence? violence is sex with no happy ending? eye see a symbol. it is a testicle, a lonely testicle cast out from its body. what does it mean? does it mean transgression? it is a sphere, like an eye, like an egg, a delicious egg. i eat the testicle.

Photobucket

Synesthesia, from the ancient Greek σύν (syn), "together," and αἴσθησις(aisthēsis), "sensation," is a neurological condition in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to automatic, involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway.

"I realized there was a perfect coincidence of images tied to analogous upheavals... I was astonished at having unknowingly substituted a perfectly obscene image for a vision apparently devoid of any sexual implication."

ha! apparently. do you think you are talking to a child?

Photobucket

i went to a sex party on halloween. it was interesting watching people having sex in different costumes. who is who and what is what? is that even a real dick? in their minds were people imagining themselves as a vampire ballerina, and so trying to think like one? a hunky zombie? a werewolf biker chick? how do such things think, how do they fuck? were their costumes a projection of their inner selves and so now they were able to fuck like they fucked in their dreams? my costume: Nite Owl.

after that sex party, we went to another one. hey, it was halloween and that is certainly a time for no regrets. this party was different. less classy and far more extreme. a hair-raisingly brutal s&m scene took place. degradation a-go-go. the debased miss was degraded beyond belief and i saw things that eye will never be able to un-see. belts and fists and spit and constant slapping and constant demeaning and sex = violence and it doesn't end there. the crowd was mesmerized. i wondered, what is happening in that girl's mind? is this sex performing some kind of function beyond my understanding? was her degradation something that somehow lifted her to her own private, transgressive heaven? was this public transgression somehow empowering? i looked at my male companion and he looked back at me; our eyes met and we both understood in that moment that we were seeing something that neither of us were equipped to understand. we were both deeply uncomfortable. or so i thought. but is that what he was really thinking? did he look at me and see weakness, perhaps even fear - the fear of the unknown, the fear of true transgression? his costume: Doctor Manhattan. i looked at my female companion. she was rapt; she did not see me; she did not return my gaze. was she seeing herself down on that floor? was the debased miss a living symbol of all that she had put away when she entered her rigid bourgeois existence? when she finally looked back at the two of us, did she see living shells of hollow men - or the means for further transgression? her costume: The Silk Spectre.

Photobucket

a series of gruesome tableau! an accumulation of transgressions! le petit mort! vivre la vie! oh the banality of trangression! oh the profundity of banality! there is no there there! i see a church and eye burn it! i see my mother, my father, and they are symbols of all that i long to destroy! and other cliches! i take refuge in madness! these eyes have seen it all! they have seen nothing!

Photobucket

she places the egg inside of her. it is a good feeling. the feeling of life? she places an eyeball inside of her. it is a good feeling. what does that eye see? does it see life, or living death? her opening is an opening; it is literal and figurative; she takes the transgression inside of her and becomes it.

they thrust their sabers into the bull. they make an opening, more than one. the bull is enraged, engorged. colored pieces of cloth turn a blood sport into a swirling dance of death. and other cliches. the bullfighter's stiff steel finishes the dance; he makes a bloody cleft into living tissue. the crowd roars. what are they seeing? debasement, transgression, an atrocity, a holy thing? eye do not know. but i don't like it.

you read the book but it is not a book, not really. it is a thesis. what is its purpose? to lay bare the world, i suppose. each act, each object, each symbol and metaphor... open to your own interpretation. come one, come all! cum! cum! cum! yawn. i know the world already. eye am a camera.

Photobucket

overall the book was interesting. lots to contemplate. it took a while but eye was finally able to jerk off to it.

Photobucket

The Catcher in the Rye

by J.D. Salinger

The Catcher in the Rye

journal entry

today i am 15 years old. everything is all bullshit, as usual. i can't believe how fucked everything is around me. like i'm surrounded by zombies. i can't talk to any of my so-called friends, i can't talk to jamie, i can't talk to my parents. who would bother listening anyway. i cannot wait to leave orange county! this place makes me fucking sick. everyone is a hypocrite. everything is so goddamn bright and shiny and sunny and meaningless. FUCK, life is so full of crap.

there is one good thing in my life though. just read this book Catcher in the Rye. blown away! i don't know how a book written decades ago could say exactly what i would say. it is like the author was reading my thoughts and put it all down in this book. things i didn't even realize i felt were right there on the page! I LOVED IT. i think this is my favorite novel of all time. which is not saying a whole lot because there is a ton of pretentious bullshit out there and i bet mrs. durham will force us to read it all. man i hate that bitch.


journal entry

today i am 20 years old. life is great as usual. just enjoyed my wednesday morning wake-and-bake session with j-p, the sun is shining, the san diego weather is beautiful, and tonight i'm off to rob & gregg's to destroy them at bullshit. love that game! gregg says that joelle will be there (yes!) but she'll probably bring that prick pete with her. one of these days i'm going to lose it and kick his ass. "i'm in a band"...fuck you, pete! i will never spin your records.

all i have on the agenda today is to go to the gym and then off to keracik's american lit class. it is not a bad class, although it is nowhere close to gender studies with halberstam. or davidoff's survey of modern postmodernism last semester. now that was a class! it blew my mind. so many things to think about. the reading in american lit has been okay. but we've been assigned to read Catcher in the Rye and it is terrible. can't believe i ever liked this book. caulfield is a whiny little bitch. the book has no depth. there is literally nothing going on with the narrative, style, theme, characterization, it is just one rote cliché after another. he thinks he is such a rebel-without-a-cause but in reality he is just another tired representation of rootless, stereotypical masculinity and gender essentialism. completely inane and without meaning. i think my essay will use some acker-style postmodernist techniques to show how simplistic this trite "classic" truly is. i'm going to deconstruct the shit out of this novel, baby!


journal entry

today i am 25 years old. another gray, drizzly san francisco morning. i wish christopher would wake up, i really need to talk to him after all that shit last night. notes on my pillow, really?? time to grow up dude, i will never "complete you". well actually i'm glad he's still asleep, my throat is too sore to get into it right now with him. plus Food Not Bombs is happening this morning and i have to get the kitchen ready. john is probably hard at work already, typical over-achieving behavior. i bet the wisconsin kids are still crashing on our living room floor. it's time for them to leave! they've seen The Vindictives at every single Epicenter or Gilman show now and it is time for them to hit the road. or learn to take a shower. this apartment is not the world's crashpad!

i woke up early this morning and thumbed through A Catcher in the Rye. i remember hating this book in college for some reason. probably wasn't po-mo enough for me. or "challenging". feh. what a pretentious idiot i was. this is a beautiful book. it changed my life as a kid, i'm not sure how i would have survived orange county without it. just re-reading parts of it brought back all that old angst about all the fucked-up shit in the world that kids have to deal with. i'm not sure there is another book as insightful or as meaningful. or funny! that part with the clipping-of-the-toenails is hilarious. ackley is such a douche. this book is the foundation of every zine that i have ever loved. a perfect novel. it is so...."human", i guess.


journal entry

today i am 30 years old. man my head hurts...so hungover! my birthday party last night was awesome. even got to spend some time on the turntables (thanks kraddy for actually relinquishing a tiny bit of control for once). i must have made out with a half-dozen people. sadly, no real action. i think last night's party will be the last big party i will ever throw. things have got to change. no more partying like the world is about to end, i still have my entire life ahead of me! tomorrow i am going to go into AIG and hand in my notice. i am not an entertainment insurance underwriter, that is not me. fuck them. if erika can get me that job working with homeless kids at Hospitality House, than i am set. although moving from the biggest room in the flat to the water heater closet will be no fun. i'm 30 years old now for chrissakes! still, i've got to do something meaningful with my life. it cannot all be about booze, drugs, hooking up, and paying everyone's rent when they're broke. things have got to change.

i cracked open A Catcher in the Rye yesterday before the party and read some of my favorite parts. what an inspiration! seriously, that is a classic novel. it is packed with meaning. i'm twice caulfield's age but i still somehow connect with him in a very direct way. my life is going to change and the attitude expressed in that book is at the heart of that change. i love you, holden caulfied. it's not too late for me to learn from you, to find some meaning in life.


journal entry

today i am 35 years old. another intense, sad, but deeply fulfilling week has passed. every day something meaningful happens, something so emotional and real. sometimes i find myself just losing it in a fetal position because of the things i've seen. working with people who are drug addicted or who have been abused or who are dying is HEAVY. but it is also beautiful. it's hard to believe i am dealing with all of that and supporting my folks too. thank God i have good friends to talk to about these things. anyway. so now marcy wants to have a kid. i just don't know how i feel about that. this is such a fucked up world, do we really want to bring new life into it? i dunno. it seems....selfish, somehow. she should just quit her job with the d.a.'s office and get back to her roots in the public defender's office instead. does she think that having a child with me will bring more meaning into her life? my life has meaning enough already. and i really am not sure i can handle that responsibility on top of everything else.

i skimmed A Catcher in the Rye yesterday, after an awkward talk with marcy about having a baby. it was not an inspiring read. caulfield is so full of misplaced angst! i'm not sure i even understand him anymore. why is he so pissed off? he's seen nothing of the world and what the world can actually do to people. i want to like him, i want to re-capture that feeling of affection i had for him, but now his contempt and his anger just seem so meaningless, so naive. he really does not have it so bad. there is so much worse out there. i don't know how i would handle a kid like that. i hate to say it, but i constantly rolled my eyes when reading it. oh the emotional self-absorption of youth! just you wait, caulfield. it sure gets a hell of a lot more complicated once you grow up.


journal entry

today i am 40 years old. when did i become a boss? it is like i woke up one day, mysteriously transformed into an old man. am i really a "leader"? what does that even mean? sometimes i feel like i am just faking it all and someone is going to figure it out and blow the whistle on me. last week i made a huge play on the Council, i had all my ducks in a row, and all the votes came in just as i had planned. everyone has their own agenda and the way to get things done is simply to recognize and engage with that disappointing fact. some folks got up and started clapping and then the whole room joined in, even council members who voted against my motion - feh, phonies. the experience was sort of amazing but it also made me feel very odd, almost disconnected from myself. is this who i am now, a public policy figure, a community advocate, a mayoral appointee? ugh, i can't stand the mayor. i don't feel like me. there is accomplishment there, and some satisfaction...but i am missing something, something visceral, something real. sweet Jesus, is this what a mid-life crisis feels like? it is a weird feeling, like i know everything that i need to know about the world, about the people around me, how everything connects, but yet i still feel like i know so little about life. oh, such angst, mark. surely you've outgrown this?

i've started re-reading A Catcher in the Rye. it's so strange, during different parts, i felt like crying. a wonderful and moving novel. i feel like i really understand holden, like he is my guide, my son, my brother, my friend...myself. i think of him and i know that change in the world and changing myself can still happen. it just has to happen. that's life after all, right?