hypnos: Dark Hollow

by Brian Keene

the horror begins when our hero and his dog Big Steve take a stroll in the woods. and there he sees a local woman on her knees fellating a statue of Pan. the statue slowly turns from stone to warm-blooded life. ha! i totally get where you're coming from Pan, sometimes it's those little gestures of appreciation that make me feel alive again too. anyway, after Pan enjoys his friend's ministrations, he proceeds to piss all over her. so that's pretty much where Pan and i have to part ways. way to ruin the moment, Pan. while this occurs, Pan notices our protagonist/voyeur and gives him some serious come-hither eyes that seem to be psychically saying you come over here and worship me too buddy, it'll be awesome. our hero decides it's time to run away. he'll watch a gal give a bj to a statue - but being asked to join the party is simply a bridge too far. he's not that kind of guy for chrissakes!

Pan - well, it probably isn't actually Pan, maybe just some random dime-a-dozen satyr - decides to invade the local blue-collar community. this is bad timing because our hero is dealing with some pretty heavy shit in his life. ah well, when it rains it pours i guess. anyway, at the beginning of his reign of terror (mainly kidnapping the local women folk), Super Satyr takes a huge dump in our hero's house, to illustrate his contempt. yep, i would say that that was a pretty straightforward way of being contemptuous. sometimes i wish i could be that straightforward towards people i dislike. no real grey area there, no possibility of putting a spin on things, no hemming & hawing or using euphemisms. our hero has made an enemy and his enemy wants him to know it!

things are so much simpler when you're a satyr, which makes me... envious.

although occasionally diverting and infused with a surprising amount of empathy for its troubled protagonist, the final result for me was that the flat supporting characters, insipid dialogue, and overall lack of suspense eventually equaled lots and lots of eye-rolling and sighing and thinking surely Keene must have been high when he wrote this? or maybe he just really needed to pay some bills.